The Cube
screenplay by
Jim Henson and Jerry Juhl -1969
stage adaptation by Patrick Flanigan - 2007
about the film
http://www.flaniganswake.com/TheCube/
Characters - in order of appearance
|
The Man Arnie Margaret Margaret's Mother Margaret's Father Mr. Thomas Sergeant Fritz Miss Bick Guitarist Watson Seductress Nurse Cora Dr. Connors Dr. Bradowski Professor Black Militant Mrs. Stratton Old Man Scientist Liza Gorillas Straight Man Eddie the Comic Boy Monk Pallbearers Ted Dr. Bingham |
middle-aged, lost man good-natured, Mr. Fixit ‘super' concerned wife meddlesome mother-in-law hurried father-in-law haughty, aristocratic Manager German military policeman German military policeman snooty, aloof decorator acoustic balladeer prisoner/Actor voluptuous siren apathetic nurse white lab coat doctor white lab coat doctor TV media expert one angry dude self-assured, party socializer grizzled oracle stuffy theoretical physicist schizophrenic girl-next-door/old hag two singing, ballet gorillas white-faced vaudeville comic white-faced vaudeville clown little boy pretentious, New Age meditator six, black-suited pallbearers the Man's doppelganger debriefing, company man |
Scene 1
My intention with this stage adaptation is to be as minimalist as possible. The technical difficulties of mimicking the film version are at best clumsy and unnecessary and at worst distracting to the audience. The existence of the Cube does not require a concrete manifestation. Instead of the characters entering and exiting through the Cube's panels, they come and go from each side of the stage. The props are placed and removed by two men in utility jumpsuits. Once the premise is exposed there is no need to remind the audience of the Man's predicament. In fact the non-manifestation of the Cube reinforces in the audience the utter hopelessness of the Man's situation.
The play begins in total darkness. At center stage there is a translucent, 8 foot square, 4x4, white paneled side of the Cube lit up from behind. An interesting alternative would be mirrors as panels. This would offer the effect of perceptions as reflections and projections. It would also provide interesting depth to the stage visually. The audience can see the shadow of the Man. He is standing in front of the panels with his back to the audience and his arms stretched out examining the panels while attempting to find a way to escape.
Man: talking to himself
Hey... hello? Hello... can anybody hear me? What is this? This is weird. Hello. Can anyone hear me? What is this, a joke? All right... come on... let me out of here! This is weird. No doors... no windows. How did I get in here?
The lights come up. Arnie enters stage left carrying a stool.
Arnie:
Got you your stool, pal. Sorry I couldn't get it here sooner.
Man:
Oh listen, it's alright. I'm just glad you came.
Arnie:
My pleasure. Aw... there's Strawberry Jam on this stool.
Man:
You know, for one crazy minute there, I thought I was trapped inside this place. I can't begin to tell you how relieved I am just to see you open that...
Arnie exits stage left. The Man pounds on the panels and sits on the stool.
Scene 2
A well-dressed, attractive woman enters with her parents stage right. They have overcoats on.
Margaret:
Hi honey, we were wondering what's keeping you.
Father-in-law:
Look, Teddy, the show starts in about 15 minutes.
Margaret:
Are you ready to go now, Ted? Where's your coat?
Man:
Who... who are you?
Mother-in-law:
What is this place?
Father-in-law:
What are you doing here anyway?
Man:
I'm sorry but I think you must have made some mistake. You see... I don't know any of you people.
Margaret:
Ted, don't you know me? I'm Margaret. I'm your wife.
Father-in-law:
Probably taken some kind of drug or something. Come on, let's go. He'll snap out of it.
Mother-in-law:
Maybe it's radiation or laser beams or something. I think we should get out of here.
Margaret's parents leave stage right.
Margaret:
Ted, you're coming with us. The fresh air will do you good.
Man:
Hey, look, I'm not Ted but I would like to get out of here.
Margaret:
I'm sure you'll be all right. Don't forget your coat!
The Man turns away briefly and Margaret leaves stage right.
Man:
Uh... hey... the door closed. Would you come back and open the door? Hey!
The Man pounds on the panels in frustration.
Scene 3
Mr. Thomas enters stage right. He appears to be a well-dressed caretaker of some sort.
Mr. Thomas:
Good afternoon, sir. Is something the matter?
Man:
Why?
Mr. Thomas:
I'm Mr. Thomas... the manager.
Man:
Manager? Of what?
Mr. Thomas:
Why, of this entire establishment, of course.
Man:
What's going on here?
Mr. Thomas:
Nothing that I know of. I just wanted to say hello and make sure you have everything you needed.
Man:
That's not what I mean... What is this place? What is it for?
Mr. Thomas:
We ask ourselves that question once and a while. Some people find this hard to believe... too good to be true I guess.
Man:
But I don't understand why...
Mr. Thomas:
I thought you might not understand. That's why I dropped by. One thing, I suppose nobody told you about the call button.
Man:
The what?
Mr. Thomas:
I thought not. It's right over here on the wall. pointing offstage If you need anything, just ring any time of the day or night.
Man:
I never noticed this before.
Mr. Thomas:
Oh yes, all of the Cubes... uh, that is, that call button was always here.
Man:
There are other Cubes?
Mr. Thomas:
No...I didn't mean to say that.
Man:
Why not?
Mr. Thomas:
Well, it's not that you shouldn't know, certainly, I would just hate to mislead you.
Man:
But there are other places with people trapped inside them?
Mr. Thomas:
No, that's not accurate at all. No one is trapped. Some people seem quite content and stay. Of course, there are others who wish to leave and if they really want to, there's no real problem.
Man:
But what do they do?
Mr. Thomas:
They just leave.
Man:
But how?
Mr. Thomas:
Oh... in various ways. All of us on the managerial level got out one way or another.
Man:
Yes but how? Give me an example!
Mr. Thomas:
Well, the simple, direct approach is best. Now if you'll excuse me, sir, I've got other matters to attend to.
Mr. Thomas starts to exit stage left.
Man:
Wait a minute! Um... can I go with you?
Mr. Thomas: standing in the opening
I'm afraid you can't get out this way, sir... This is my door!
Mr. Thomas exits stage left. The Man goes to press the call button and it's gone. The Man starts tapping on the panels and someone knocks back.
Scene 4
Arnie enters stage right carrying a box.
Arnie:
Hi pal... it's just me. I've got your telephone.
Man:
My what?
Arnie:
Your telephone. Didn't you order a telephone?
Man:
Uh, no, I didn't.
Arnie:
Oh, excuse me.
Man:
Now wait a minute! Can I have a telephone if I want?
Arnie:
Of course you can! Would you like a telephone?
Man:
Why sure. Might come in handy.
Arnie:
All you gotta do is ask. That's what I'm here for. I can get you anything you want.
Arnie pulls out a white telephone and starts connecting it to a panel. The Man sits on the stool facing him.
Man:
Oh really? I didn't know that.
Arnie:
Didn't they tell you? Oh, what's wrong with these guys?
Man:
What guys, Arnie? Who are they?
Arnie:
The trouble with this establishment is that there's no org-an-i-za-tion. You wouldn't believe some of the weirdoes that run this place.
Man:
I might!
Arnie:
For instance, what do you think we got delivered to the shipping room yesterday? Hmm? You'll never guess. Go ahead... guess. Ah, you'll never guess.
Man:
I don't know!
Arnie:
Four tons of chocolate rabbits! Now what in the hell am I going to do with four tons of chocolate rabbits?
Man:
I don't know.
Arnie:
Fourteen years I've been here and not one request for a chocolate rabbit. I put them in the armored cars for the time being. But oh boy, when the summer comes and it starts getting warm... woof! Well, there's your telephone, all hooked up.
The Man stands up. Arnie place the telephone on the stool.
Arnie:
Now listen... I tell ya what I'm gonna do. I'll go outside and I'll call back and we'll see if it's working. Okay?
Man:
Fine. Thanks.
Arnie:
Right!
Arnie exits stage right. The Man tries the phone, then notices a crack of light beside the panels. He manages to crawl halfway around the panels. The telephone rings twice. Mr. Thomas enters stage left and answers it.
Mr. Thomas:
Good afternoon. Oh yes! Just a moment please. Um, excuse me sir.
Mr. Thomas walks over to the Man and touches the panels. The Man falls back onto the floor.
Mr. Thomas:
Telephone for you.
Man:
Thank you.
Mr. Thomas: as he exits stage left
You're welcome.
Man: answering the telephone
Hello.
Arnie: over telephone
Hello pal, it's just me, Arnie. Can you hear me?
Man:
Fine.
Arnie: over telephone
Yeah...Well then, you're in business. So long now.
The Man hangs up the telephone, then picks it up and dials a number. One ring tone.
Arnie: over telephone
Hello, Arnie speaking.
Man:
What?
Arnie: over telephone
Arnie. What can I do for you?
Man:
Oh, nothing. I must have gotten the wrong number.
Arnie: over telephone
Okay, pal.
The Man hangs up the telephone.
Man:
I swear I dialed right.
The Man picks up the telephone and dials again.
Arnie: over telephone
Hello... Arnie speaking.
Man:
What?
Arnie: over telephone
Something wrong, pal?
Man:
Yes, this telephone isn't working!
Arnie: over telephone
What do you mean it isn't working? I can hear you fine! Can you hear me?
Man:
Yes I can but that isn't... I dialed...
Arnie: over telephone
Then your phone's working. So long, pal.
The Man picks up the telephone and tears the cord out of the panel. Arnie walks out stage right.
Arnie:
That's no way to treat a telephone. No wonder it isn't working.
The Man screams out incoherently and throws the telephone towards Arnie and offstage. Arnie ducks and then stands up again. The stool is removed.
Arnie:
Bulls-eye! Congratulations, pal, you've won yourself a chocolate rabbit!
Arnie tosses the Man a chocolate rabbit and exits stage right. The Man looks at the rabbit, goes to sit down and realizes the stool has vanished.
Man:
Where did that stool go?
Scene 5
There is a loud knocking sound on the panels.
Man:
What is it?
Sergeant: from offstage
This is the MPD. You are under arrest! Open this door!
Man:
I can't open the door.
The Sergeant and Fritz, two men in German military uniforms burst onto stage.
Sergeant:
Make a note of this, Fritz, the prisoner resisted arrest.
Man:
Now, now, wait a minute!
Sergeant:
There will be no backtalk from the prisoner! You have been under observation for quite some time and we are well aware of your activities.
Man:
What activities?
Sergeant:
Now we shall go about finding the proof.
Fritz:
We have a search warrant.
Man:
You mean to tell me you want to search this place?
Sergeant:
Exactly!
Man: laughing
Be my guest!
Fritz: grabbing the chocolate rabbit from the Man
We shall start with this.
Fritz breaks the head off of the rabbit and gems fall out.
Fritz:
Ah hah! Uncut diamonds!
Sergeant:
The smuggling trade is a profitable one, hey, my friend?
Man:
Look here, I just...
Sergeant: to Fritz
You check that wall. I'll take this one.
Fritz:
Ya.
Fritz steps offstage and finds a gold ingot.
Fritz:
Ah hah, gold bullion, stamped with the Bank of Munich seal!
The Sergeant steps offstage and finds a black folder.
Sergeant: reading label
Vital plans of the X-74, classified Top Secret.
Fritz steps offstage and finds microfilm.
Fritz:
Microfilm! Documenting the entire national security system!
The Sergeant then steps offstage and finds some guns.
Sergeant:
And here we have the arsenal. Machine guns, sten guns, dynamite...
Fritz walks offstage and returns with a man in a lab coat, bound and gagged.
Fritz:
Sergeant, look over here!
Sergeant:
Dr. Kingsley!
Fritz:
Missing for two weeks.
Sergeant:
This means I believe that our negotiations concerning the doctor's ransom are at an end. Fritz, gather up everything.
Man:
This is ridiculous.
Sergeant: grabbing the Man violently by the neck
Yes, it is ridiculous! Ridiculous that a dog like you should walk the streets, free to murder and pillage, steal the secrets of a great nation, make a mockery of the law that makes that nation great! It's ridiculous we don't slaughter you like a pig! pause But... there are more painful ways to die.
The Sergeant handcuffs the Man's wrists together through his legs.
Sergeant:
Lasting months perhaps. During which time you will have much to tell us. So, Fritz do you have everything?
Fritz walks out with a wheelbarrow filled with guns, plans and Dr. Kingsley – still bound and gagged.
Fritz:
Everything, Sergeant!
Sergeant:
Wait here until we return. Come, Fritz!
Fritz: Dumb Kopf!
The Sergeant and Fritz exit stage right with the wheelbarrow.
Scene 6
The Man starts struggling to get free of the handcuffs. Miss Bick the decorator enters stage left and looks around.
Miss Bick:
The whole place is so cold and efficient. More like a cage than a place to live or whatever it is you do here.
Man:
Ah... could you help me? A couple of goons came here and they put these handcuffs on me...
Miss Bick:
You know, no designer would design a place like this. This place was designed by a machine, did you know that? I know those machines... I used to work for one. Hey Arnie! loudly
Arnie: voice over
Right here, Miss Bick.
Miss Bick:
Bring me a bucket of mustard yellow paint. I thought mustard yellow might warm the walls up a bit, don't you think?
Man:
I think I'd like to get out of these handcuffs.
Miss Bick:
Of course, we don't have to go with mustard yellow. There's lots of other colors.
Arnie enters stage left wearing painting clothes and carrying a bucket of paint.
Arnie:
One bucket of mustard yellow. Hi, pal, how you doing?
Man:
Could you help me get out of these?
Miss Bick:
You know, you're right... mustard yellow is not the right color at all.
Arnie: No mustard yellow today!
Arnie throws the bucket behind him offstage. It makes a crashing sound.
Arnie:
What color do you want, Miss Bick?
Miss Bick:
I think... tangerine. Tangerine is just the right color for you!
Arnie: leaving stage left
One bucket of tangerine coming up.
Miss Bick:
Tangerine is one of my favorite colors. Tangerine is the color of ripe, rich fruit. Of course you can't look at tangerine all the time. Say, how many hours a day do you spend in here, anyhow?
Arnie enters carrying a different bucket of paint and whispers something to Miss Bick. She looks shocked.
Miss Bick:
Good Heavens! He can't spend the rest of his... Well, I mean you can't look at tangerine all the time.
Arnie:
You don't want tangerine, eh?
Miss Bick:
Well... of course not. A color like that could drive a man insane. Get rid of that awful paint!
Arnie:
Alright. One... two... OOP!
Arnie throws the can over the Man and offstage. It makes a loud crashing sound.
Arnie:
Two points for the home side.
Miss Bick:
You know it should be something ... something soothing. What colors do you have out there that are soothing?
Arnie:
We have... white.
Miss Bick:
White! Of course! Perfect! White is the symbol of purity, the symbol of spirituality, the eternal and glorious ultimate of colors. White!
Arnie:
It's already white.
Miss Bick:
Oh, so it is. Well, couldn't you just put on a coat of shellac or something? Freshen it up a bit?
Miss Bick leaves stage left and Arnie pulls a spray can out of his pocket.
Arnie:
Happen to have a can of shellac right here.
Arnie sprays at the panels. The Man starts grimacing and coughing on the floor.
Man:
That doesn't smell like shellac.
Arnie: No, actually it's deodorant but she can't tell the difference. Look if she comes back, tell her you like it better, will you?
Arnie starts to leave stage left and the Man tries to follow. Arnie blocks him.
Arnie: exiting
Ah ah ah! This is my door!
The Man resumes his struggle with the handcuffs.
Scene 7
A stool and a bed are brought onstage. The Man is still struggling on the floor. The Guitarist walks on from stage right carrying an acoustic guitar.
Guitarist:
Oh, you gave me a start man. I didn't know anyone was in here.
Man:
Oh, I'm in here, alright!
Guitarist:
Look... I usually come in here to practice. Do you mind?
Man:
Oh... no!
Guitarist:
Oh, I see you've been visited by the fuzz, hey?
Man:
Yeah...I sure have.
The Guitarist reaches into his pocket and hands the Man the key.
Guitarist:
Here... here's the key.
Man:
Thanks a lot.
Guitarist:
Don't mention it. Why don't you lie down on the bed and rest a bit while I practice?
Man:
Because there is no bed...
Man: turning around to see a bed
I don't know how it got here. It'll probably turn to jello when I sit on it.
The Guitarist pulls the stool over and sits down and starts playing. The Man removes the handcuffs and lies down on the bed.
Guitarist: gently singing and playing
There are places that contain you /
There are corners in your soul /
Plastic laminations in your life /
But when you're on the inside of the outside of your thoughts /
Do they restrain /
Or do you stay yourself? /
The band comes in through the back door and starts setting up their equipment. There is a drummer, a keyboardist and an electric guitarist.
Now the inside of the near place is the outside of the fog /
But you can only face your space in one way /
You're really in the middle of the inside of yourself /
And there is only one thing we can say...
The entire band starts playing and singing very loudly.
You'll never get out /
You'll never get out /
You'll never get out of the Cube /
the drummer yells out It's said!
You'll never get out /
You'll never get out /
You'll never get out till you're dead, dead, dead /
The song sounds like it is a record skipping. The Guitarist and the band stop singing, look puzzled, pick up their instruments and leave. The song fades to silence as the Man sits upon the bed covering his ears.
Till you're dead, dead, dead /
Till you're dead, dead, dead /
Till you're dead, dead, dead /
Till you're dead, dead, dead /
Till you're dead, dead, dead /
Till you're dead, dead, dead...
A moment of silence... then an alarm clock goes off. Mr. Thomas steps in from stage left.
Mr. Thomas:
Rest period is over, sir.
The Man looks back at him exhausted. Mr. Thomas exits.
Scene 8
There is a sound like scraping on stone. Watson the escaped prisoner crawls out slowly from stage right.
Watson:
Hey, I made it. I really think I did!
He jumps to his feet when he sees the Man.
Man:
Who are you?
Watson: exasperated and nervous
I'm sorry. My name is Watson. You don't know what it means to escape. I thought I'd never see this day. How long, how long has it been that I've dreamed of this day?
Man:
How long has it been?
Watson:
Forever! A lifetime! How long is life imprisonment? It's an eternity! That's how long!
Man:
Sorry.
Watson:
Oh... but it's all over now. I'll never see the inside of that place again!
Man:
Where were you?
Watson:
My own Cube. Oh the tortures I suffered. I can see you haven't been here too long. You haven't got any scars yet.
Man:
No, I've just been here a short while... I guess. Of course there's no way of telling the time.
Watson:
You know what I did? I had a way of telling how many days passed by making marks on my thumbnail. Oh, but that didn't work after a while.
Man:
Why not?
Watson:
They pulled out my thumbnails! I... I kind of lost interest in time after that. What they been doing to you?
Man:
Oh, um, nothing bad, just...
Watson:
I got to the point where the one thing I wanted was to be left alone in my own Cube. That was the one thing the one thing I could depend on, my Cube!
Man:
Well, after you're in ‘em a while, um ...
Watson:
Yeah, my Cube is a little older than this one. The panels on the wall were square instead of rectangular, like yours.
Man:
Oh, yeah, I see...
Watson: very nervous
You know, I... I don't think I've ever been this long away from my Cube before. I... I wonder if I left anything there. I could go back to check. They probably haven't even noticed I've gone!
Watson starts crawling away stage right very quickly.
Man:
Yes, but if you go now you may never get out again!
Watson pulls back and looks up at the Man. Then he stands up.
Watson:
Getting out is no problem. But they're liable to catch me if I go back. It's not worth the risk!
Man:
I wouldn't think so.
Watson:
What do you know about it! You haven't even got any squares in this rotten Cube! You don't know what it's like... You don't know what it's like to need a place where there are squares that you can depend on! Oh how I loved those squares. I think I'd better go back!
Man:
Wait, before you go, can you tell me how to get out of here?
Watson: crawling back offstage
Get your hands off me! You and your rectangles! I've got to go back! Oh yes, I'm going back! I'm coming back! from offstage Here I come! I'm coming!
Mr. Thomas enters stage left.
Mr. Thomas:
Was there someone here just a moment ago?
Man:
No. No, I don't think so.
Mr. Thomas:
There was... wasn't there. There was a man here claiming he'd escaped from another Cube... now wasn't there?
Man:
No! Um, I'm not sure.
Mr. Thomas:
Well, you didn't believe his story, did you?
Man:
No. I don't know what to believe.
Mr. Thomas: smiling
Well, you know that man was acting? He's an actor, a very good actor. Come on in Actor's first name.
Watson a.k.a. Actor comes in stage left with clean clothes on and drying his hands with a cloth.
Mr. Thomas:
I'd like you to meet Actor's full name - one of the best actors around.
Actor:
Hi!
Mr. Thomas:
There's no need to feel embarrassed. He's a very talented actor.
Actor:
Hey, couldn't we take out that part about the thumbnail? I really think that's disgusting.
Mr. Thomas:
Well, there's a certain amount of dramatic suspense you gain with a touch of the macabre.
Actor: Well, whatever you think. Let me know how it works out.
Mr. Thomas:
Yeah... I will.
Actor: to the Man as he is leaving
Good luck! to Mr. Thomas By the way, what are the rest of these Cubes for, anyway?
The Actor leaves stage left. The Man hurries toward him. Mr. Thomas stops him.
Mr. Thomas: exiting stage left
He was only kidding. You know that.
Scene 9
A couch and a liquor cabinet are brought onstage. A doorbell sounds and the Seductress enters stage left.
Seductress:
Hello. Would you like company?
Man:
No. I don't think so.
Seductress:
They've really been rough on you, haven't they? I just dropped by because I thought you'd like to sit down and relax and...
Man:
We can't even do that. There aren't any chairs in here.
Seductress:
There's a couch.
Man: stumbling into the couch
That's another thing about this place. The furniture keeps changing.
Man: starting to sit on the cabinet
Where did this come from?
Seductress:
It's a liquor cabinet. They always send one. If you're going to have some, please...
Man: opening the liquor cabinet
I am!
Seductress:
If you are going to have something, I'll have a Scotch on the rocks.
Man: holding Scotch bottle
Is this real?
Seductress:
Probably.
Man:
Seem to know a lot about this place. Why are you here?
Seductress:
I always come here... to visit people. You know...
Man:
No, no. No, I don't.
Seductress:
Why don't you sit down?
Man:
Thank you. I'd rather stand.
Seductress:
Come on! What's the matter? Don't your knees bend?
The Man shrugs and sits down next to her. Soft, romantic music starts playing.
Man:
Where's that music coming from?
Seductress: rubbing his shoulders
There's an automatic hi-fi in the liquor cabinet. My... but you're tense. How long has it been since you've relaxed?
Man:
Oh, um, I'm not sure.
Seductress:
Would you like me to... rub your neck?
Man:
No, I mean I don't think that... he starts laughing don't... don't do that, I'm ticklish! I can't stand it...
no really...
Seductress:
Oh come now, a man like you ticklish? she starts laughing
Man: stops laughing and says seriously
Oh wow..... If I could only be sure things were the way they seemed. But...
Seductress:
Why don't you give it a try?
The Man and the Seductress start kissing passionately. Then the music suddenly stops. Dr. Bradowski, Dr. Conners and Nurse Cora come in stage right. They grab the Man's arms to perform medical tests.
Nurse Cora: writing on a clipboard
Flushed complexion... pupils dilated.
Dr. Conners:
Pulse rate 134.
Dr. Bradowski:
Blood pressure... 120 over 70.
Dr. Conners:
Open your mouth, please.
Dr. Bradowski:
Have we got everything?
Nurse Cora: to Seductress
How was he?
Seductress: grabbing her purse
Ha! Nothing! Cora, next time we get one of these guys, you do the kissing, I'll take the notes.
Nurse Cora:
Listen we flipped for it and you lost so don't complain.
The Seductress and Nurse Cora leave together stage right.
Dr. Conners:
Apparent hematosis of the anginal pectorus.
Dr. Bradowski:
Oh, probably a constricture of the metafibular ganglia.
Dr. Conners:
Hmm... what a shame. Any family history of this type before?
Dr. Bradowski:
No, he was sired by Mandrake's Pride out of High Noon. Have you seen this?
Dr. Conners:
Is that a fact?
Dr. Bradowski:
Won the gates for a handicap by six lengths last June.
Dr. Conners: laughing
There'll be no more running for you, old boy.
Dr. Bradowski:
He'll have to pay his upkeep by the stud fees.
Dr. Bradowski hands two medicine bottles to the Man.
Dr. Bradowski:
Take these in a little water and lay off the oats. You'll be fit as a fiddle in no time.
The Man throws the medicine bottles on the floor.
Dr. Conners:
Dr. Bradowski, can you spare a moment? I have a platypus down the hall with a nasty case of dysentery.
Dr. Bradowski and Dr. Conners leave stage right. The couch and liquor cabinet are removed.
Scene 10
A 1960's black and white TV is brought out and set upon the stool. The Professor enters.
Professor:
Excuse me, I know this is... well... a bad time but I just wanted to congratulate you and shake your hand.
Man: shaking his hand
Oh? On what?
Professor:
Well, as I interpret what you're doing here, this is all a very complex discussion of Reality versus Illusion. The perfect subject for the television medium!
Man:
What do you mean television?
Professor:
Well, this is a television play.
Man: in disbelief
What?
Professor:
Oh, you don't believe that?
Man:
Of course not!
Professor:
I should have thought you'd want to. After all, there's only one other possible explanation.
Man:
Which is?
Professor:
Hallucination... that you are altogether insane.
The Man reflects for a moment.
Man:
Tell me more about the television part.
Professor:
Well, there is very little else left to tell except of course it will end happily.
Man:
Are you sure?
Professor:
Of course. I can probably prove it to you. You see, this is the television medium. All this has been electronically recorded in advance anyway.
Man:
What?
Professor:
Ah, yes, if you'd like to see how it turns out, why, we can watch the last part of the show.
The Professor turns on the TV. On the screen there is an image of the Man in the Cube with the words ‘The End'.
Man:
This is ridiculous! How can I see something that hasn't even happened yet?
Professor:
Ssh! Here's the picture now. This is just the last part of the program.
Man: looking closely at the television
Hey, that's me in there.
Professor:
Of course.
Man:
But I'm still in the Cube!
Professor:
Of course you are in the Cube. But you are healthy and happy! See? You even got the girl in the end. The perfect storybook ending.
The Man in the television Cube reacts to the Professor.
Man: on the television as the credits are rolling
Wait! Wait! This is not a happy ending! I don't want this girl! Wait! Hold on!
The Professor turns the television volume down.
Professor:
Well... we don't need the sound.
The Man's face in the television Cube fills the screen as he tries to speak.
Professor:
If I were you, I'd be very pleased with that ending.
Man:
I hate this ending! I hate the whole thing! It's a nightmare!
Professor:
This is the television medium. You can always turn it off.
The Professor turns the television off and exits stage right carrying it.
Scene 11
The Black Militant enters stage left.
Black Militant:
So, how do you like it?
Man:
Like what?
Black Militant:
How do you like your place here?
Man:
I don't.
Black Militant:
I don't see why not. It's very well made. Costs a lot of money to make a place like this. Nice walls. Good lighting. Well constructed.
Man:
It's a terrible place.
Black Militant:
Aw now, you don't like it in here? I think this is a wonderful place. You ought to feel nice and safe, well protected in here. pause You know, there's only one thing about this place I really don't care for.
Man:
What's that?
Long pause. The Black Militant gets face-to-face with the Man.
Black Militant:
It's white.
Man:
I... um, I really hadn't thought of it in that way.
Black Militant:
Well you damn well better think about it. It's nice and it's safe and you made it and you're going to stay in it until you die! And you're going to die in it. This is a mausoleum.... to whiteness! A temple! Pure as the new fallen snow! And I hope you like it because you deserve it.
Man: apologetically
Look, this isn't my place. I didn't have anything to do with it!
Black Militant:
Why do you stay in here, then?
Man:
I can't get out.
Black Militant:
You could get out if you wanted to get out.
Man:
I can't. I tried and I can't!
Black Militant:
How did I get in?
Man:
Through a door.
Black Militant:
Then go out a door.
Man:
I can't! There are no doors!
Black Militant:
Go out through the door I came in!
Man:
I can't!
Black Militant:
Why not?
Man:
Because that's your door!
The Black Militant walks stage left, then turns around.
Black Militant:
You make me sick!
The Black Militant exits stage left.
Scene 12
The Man sits on the stool. Piano music is playing with loud conversations in the background. The stage becomes filled with everyone having a cocktail party. Margaret walks by the Man and greets Ted, the Man's doppelganger.
Margaret: kisses Ted
Hi there! I wondered where you were.
Actor:
It had no dramatic value, no structure at all.
Professor:
I didn't care for the ending.
Seductress:
What the point of it all?
Guitarist:
And on top of all that... they paid everybody scale.
Mr. Thomas:
Gin and tonic anyone?
Man:
Yes, I'll have one.
The Man reaches out for a drink and hits an invisible barrier between him and Mr. Thomas. There is a ‘thud' sound like hitting a hollow wall.
Mrs. Stratton:
It's useless. He's projected.
Man:
What do you mean, projected?
Mrs. Stratton:
Well, every one of us has a certain image we project to others. Right?
Man:
Err...
Mrs. Stratton:
Well... this is the image we project! None of us are real. He's not real. We're all projected.
Man:
I'm not projected.
Mrs. Stratton:
What did you say?
Man:
I said I'm not projected.
Everyone laughs.
Man:
I'm not projected. I'm not projected! I'm...
The lights go to black immediately. Short pause. Suddenly there is a spotlight on the Man sitting on a stool in front of the panels. Everyone else is gone.
Man:
Projected.
The Old Man steps out from stage left.
Old Man:
Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you have died and this is what death is?
The Old Man exits stage left.
Scene 13
A table with two chairs with a hammer in the table drawer are brought onstage. The Scientist enters stage right.
Scientist:
Well, young man, have you had enough?
Man:
Yes.
Scientist:
Sit down, sit down.
The Scientist gestures to the Man to take a seat at the table.
Scientist:
Have you finally figured out what is happening here, hmm?
Man:
No.
Scientist:
Oh, that's a shame. We'd like to release you as soon as possible.
Man:
You mean, if I figure it out, I can go?
Scientist:
That is one of the things you will have to figure out!
Man: getting up from the table
And that is the kind of remark I am getting sick of! This whole thing just isn't real.
Scientist:
Define ‘Reality'.
Man: Nah.
The Scientist takes a hammer from the drawer in the table.
Scientist:
Look, is this hammer real?
Man: sitting down again
Yes... No... Maybe...
Scientist:
Possibly all three. Now consider this. If you were to magnify this hammer's head you would see the geometric latticework of the molecules, permeated by space.
Man: looking bored
Here we go...
Scientist:
And yet inside the molecules we see the atoms. And inside the atoms we see protons, positrons, neutrons, mesons, nu-mesons, pi-mesons, and in none of them anywhere can you find anything you can call a real thing! An actual speck, a thing that you could hold or touch!
Man: grabbing the hammer and jumping up
You're absolutely right! This hammer... it, it doesn't exist!
Scientist: grabbing the hammer from the Man
Then how do you explain this?
The Scientist throws the hammer offstage - stage right. There are strange, alien sounds coming from offstage.
Scientist:
Your trouble is, you will not accept a paradox.
Arnie walks on from stage right holding the hammer.
Arnie:
Hey, what's goin' on here?
Scientist:
I'm sorry about the hole, Arnold.
Arnie:
Sure, sure you're sorry. But I've got to fix it. Here's your hammer back. throws hammer on floor
Scientist:
Now then, let us consider some of the paradoxes of science.
Man: sitting down
Anything you say.
Scientist:
In subatomic physics science knows for a fact that certain electrons may move from one point to another but observe, demonstrating with his hands although the electron is sometimes here and may move to here, it is never in between.
Man:
Wait a minute. That's impossible. It's got to be in between when it's moving.
Scientist:
It isn't.
Man:
But it's impossible!
Scientist:
I know. But it happens. The whole theory of Quantum Physics is based on it, you know.
Arnie: smirking and laughing
The old guy's flipped his gourd. Yeah, the marbles have finally fallen out. Stark-raving bananas.
Scientist:
Get back to work! Take another example. If we take a proton and an anti-positron we would create an atom of anti-hydrogen...
Arnie measures an imaginary hole in a panel.
Arnie:
15 by 27 wide. That should be number 47.
Scientist:
Of course...a particle and an anti-particle annihilate each other at the midpoint...
Arnie:
Yeah, that's it. Yeah. Hey. you know you put a number 37 hole in that wall?
Scientist:
Good! Now what about the Unified Field Theory?
Man:
I don't care about it.
Scientist:
Not care about it? But don't you realize the theological implications in such a set of basic universal postulates?
Man:
No!
Scientist:
This is appalling. Have you no desire to come to grips with the elemental structure and foundation of existence? loudly What kind of a man are you? I hope you rot in this Cube!
The Scientist exits stage left. Arnie enters stage left carrying a large, flat, black case marked with a large 37.
Arnie:
Work like a dog making this a pleasant place and what do you get for it? People have no respect for property. Him and his scientific experiments. Who cares what Reality is?
Arnie pulls out a jagged piece that matches the hole exactly and puts it in place. The strange sounds stop.
Arnie:
Ah! Now! Pretty good fit, hey pal? Well, I guess that's it. Oh that guy is a real pain in the neck. It's a good thing he doesn't exist!
Arnie leaves stage left. The desk and chairs are removed.
Scene 14
Two white patio chairs and a small white table are brought onstage. Liza enters stage left.
Liza:
Hi there. May I come in?
Man:
Uh...
Liza:
Do you mind if I sit down?
Man:
Uh...no.
The Man leads her to a chair and helps her with it.
Liza:
Thank you... gee, I really feel sorry for you. You know, I've been looking for a moment when I could slip in here and talk to you. I hope you don't mind.
Man:
No. No... of course not.
Liza:
Well, can I do anything for you, like do you need anything?
Man:
I would like to get out of here. But you're not going to tell me how, right?
Liza:
Oh, I'm sorry, but I'm really not allowed to talk about that. I can only give you a hint.
Man:
What's that?
Liza:
It's going to get worse before it gets better.
Man:
Swell.
Liza:
Well, listen... if you expect the worst, sometimes you get a pleasant surprise. Do you know what I mean?
Man:
Yeah.
Liza:
Yeah. Well, let me give you another hint.
Man:
What's that?
Liza:
Don't trust anybody. Don't trust the manager or Arnie. Don't even trust me. You know, do you ever say to yourself ‘I wonder if I can trust him?' Hey? Yeah, well, don't! To thine own self be true. Remember that? Yeah, well, nobody is. Especially if you try not to be when you are.
Man:
I'm not sure I follow that.
Liza:
It's because everyone is a liar. I'm a liar. I'm lying right now. Because people aren't what they say they are. Oh, you're not what you say you are, are you?
Man:
I'm not sure.
Liza's voice becomes shrill like an old hag's.
Liza: angrily
That's a lie! You know but you pretend that you're not sure. And that's copping out.
Man:
I hadn't really meant it that way.
Liza:
There's only one thing worse than copping out. And that's being wishy-washy! Now you're being wishy-washy!
Man:
You're changing, aren't you? You're changing right in front of me.
Liza's voice becomes even more frightful. She has now turned into an old hag.
Liza:
Everybody changes, kid. You've got to get used to that. Change is what's happening to the world. The only people who can't adapt themselves to change are the chickens of the world. The lily-livered chickens! Ha ha ha haaaaa grabbing the Man by the hair listen Road Island Red, or whatever the hell your name is, just remember what happens to chickens! They get their heads cut off! Snick!
Liza laughs, pulls his hair and pretends to cut his head off. Liza walks offstage stage left laughing and beating her arms like chicken wings. There are traffic sounds in the background. The table and chairs are removed.
Scene 15
Mr. Thomas comes in stage right.
Mr. Thomas:
Pardon me, sir.
Man:
What do you want now?
Mr. Thomas:
Your time is up, sir.
Man:
What's that supposed to mean?
Mr. Thomas:
Well, sir, you only signed up for a certain amount of time and I'm afraid you've already overstayed it.
Man:
I never signed anything.
Mr. Thomas:
Please, sir, I must ask you to leave.
Man:
Leave?
Mr. Thomas:
Yes.
Man:
You mean I can leave if I want to?
Mr. Thomas:
Yes sir. I'm afraid you must. You see, there are others waiting to use the facilities. Of course, if you wish to make a reservation for some future time?
Man:
You mean to tell me that I can just walk out that door?
Mr. Thomas:
Of course! That's your door.
The Man starts to walk off stage right but hesitates, and comes back towards Mr. Thomas.
Man:
I don't trust you.
Mr. Thomas:
I don't know what you mean, sir.
Man:
Oh, don't give me that! Everything in this place is a trick.
Mr. Thomas:
Please, sir, it is getting late. Can't we talk about this outside?
Man:
How stupid do you think I am?
Mr. Thomas:
Oh really, sir!
Man:
Oh really? Don't give me that! I can see you fellows planning it now. If all else fails, we can always use the old, um, imitating Mr. Thomas wouldn't you like to leave now, sir? Wouldn't you like to leave, sir?
Mr. Thomas:
Well, wouldn't you, sir?
Man:
If this is a trick, I am personally going to tear you into little tiny pieces.
Mr. Thomas:
I really don't understand, sir. What kind of a trick could it possibly be?
Man:
How about this one? The minute I step foot outside this door, two gorillas grab me, dressed in ballet costumes, drag me back and throw me on the floor, and dance around me singing Home Sweet Home! How about that one? Would that qualify me for a job in this asylum, huh?
Mr. Thomas:
Do you mean to say you're not going to walk out that door?
Man:
You just remember... little tiny pieces.
The Man walks off stage right and two Gorillas in ballet costumes grab and throw him back. They grunt and dance circles around him while he lies curled up on the floor.
Gorillas: singing and grunting
Be it ever so humble /
There's no place like the Cube.
The Gorillas leave stage right. The Man starts banging on the floor angrily.
Man: almost crying
Get out! Go ahead... get out!
Mr. Thomas:
You know, sir, you're really getting quite good at predicting these things.
Mr. Thomas exits stage right. The Man remains on the floor.
Scene 16
The Man gets up and sits upon the stool against the back wall. Suddenly there is a drum roll, then fanfare, then the clash of cymbals. The Straight Man and Eddie the Comic come running out from stage right. They are Vaudeville clowns with white makeup on their faces.
Straight Man:
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. It's certainly a pleasure to be here!
Eddie the Comic:
It certainly is!
Straight Man:
Hey, Eddie, where did you get that coat?
Eddie the Comic:
You like it? I borrowed from my cousin, a drunk bank clerk.
Straight Man:
That's ridiculous. If a bank clerk wore that coat, he'd be fired.
Eddie the Comic:
That's why he's drunk!
Loud canned laughter.
Straight Man:
Ha ha ha. Hey Eddie, what's the matter with you? You look terrible.
Eddie the Comic:
You're right. I feel awful.
Straight Man:
Well come on, let's take a look at you. Stick out your tongue.
Eddie the Comic:
Aaah...
Straight Man:
Farther!
Eddie the Comic:
Aaah...
Straight Man:
Farther!
Eddie the Comic:
I can't! It's tied in the back!
Straight Man:
Well, that's your trouble. You're tongue tied! Ha ha ha.
More loud canned laughter.
Eddie the Comic:
Keep it up folks. If you stop laughing then he might sing!
Straight Man:
Hey Eddie, that's an excellent idea!
Eddie the Comic:
Hold on! You're not going to sing for these people, are you?
Straight Man:
Sure!
Eddie the Comic:
Why... what did they ever do to you?
Even more loud canned laughter.
Straight Man:
Come on Eddie.... I sing pretty good!
Eddie the Comic:
That's true folks. I have him over to my apartment every month to sing.
Straight Man:
That's right.
Eddie the Comic: laughing hysterically
It kills the cockroaches!
canned laughter is very loud now
He was singing in the woods last year and four moose proposed to him! And I tell ya folks, it's hard to turn down a moose's proposal!
laughing even louder
The canned laughter abruptly ends. There is complete silence. The Straight Man and Eddie the Comic turn around and notice the Man sitting on the stool. They both walk over to him.
Straight Man:
You're not laughing.
Eddie the Comic:
Why aren't you laughing?
Straight Man:
Other people laugh.
Eddie the Comic:
We're funny.
Straight Man:
We play all the best night clubs.
Eddie the Comic:
We do all the top television shows.
Straight Man:
We're the best there is.
Eddie the Comic:
Don't you think we're funny?
Man: getting up from the stool
Well I... I guess I just didn't feel like laughing.
The Straight Man and Eddie the Comic start laughing intermittently. They slowly start laughing louder and louder, doubling over in hysterics. They exit stage left laughing loudly as they walk off.
Scene 17
A young Boy comes out from stage right riding a tricycle. He starts singing and riding circles around the Man.
Boy: singing on tricycle
You're never gonna to get out of here /
You're never gonna to get out of here /
You're never gonna to get out of here /
You're never gonna to get out of here.
The young Boy rides off stage right. There is a deep voice offstage.
You have three minutes.
The Monk walks on from stage left with his hands held in prayer.
Man:
Who are you?
Monk:
I am no one. I am a vessel, a pitcher filled with the elixir of peace. I bring this gift to you.
Man:
You did, huh?
Monk:
Now in these final hours I bring you the hope of All.
Man:
Final hours? Of what?
Monk:
Well spoken my brother. Perhaps, there is no Time, no Space, no Death. There is only All. There is only Is.
Man:
Do I have to listen to this?
Monk:
Do not struggle. Death is nothing.
Man:
Death?
Monk:
What you have to face is already gone, like ripples on a river, whose coming and going no man can record. You are part of the All. That is all there is. All is All. Is is.
Man:
It is?
Monk:
I give you the Ramadar!
Sound of a gong. The Monk pulls a circular, blinking, buzzing object out of his robe and sticks it on a panel.
Monk:
Think on this. Meditate on the Ramadar and it will bring you peace. Think on the Ramadar and it will bring you All. Think on the Ramadar and it will bring you Is.
The Monk exits stage right chanting. The Ramadar starts buzzing louder and louder.
Man:
All right! All right! I've had enough! You win! I give up! You understand? Shut up!
The Man grabs and smashes the stool. He then uses a stool leg to smash the Ramadar. The buzzing stops and something viscous leaks from the Ramadar's shattered base. The Man touches it, smells it and then tastes it.
Man:
Strawberry Jam.
Arnie enters stage right with a whisk broom and pan.
Arnie:
Hi ya, pal... how are you? What's going on? Aw....you broke your Ramadar. Oh well, most people do. These things are awful hard to take. Beep, beep, beep from morning till night. The only way to quiet them is to let the batteries run down. They'll drive you up the wall. Hey listen pal, any time you want another one of these things, you just let me know, alright? I've got a whole room full of them!
Arnie exits stage right. The Man curls up against the panels dejected.
Scene 18
A rocking chair with a pistol on it are brought onstage. There is the sound of marching footsteps. Six pallbearers march in from stage left carrying a coffin and set it down next to the Man. They then exit stage left. The Man gets up and walks around the coffin and opens it. It is empty. Looking very disturbed... he closes it. He then turns and notices the pistol. He walks over and picks it up, holds it to his head and pulls the trigger. Strawberry Jam squirts onto his forehead. The entire cast fills the stage coming from all directions laughing and rejoicing. They start circling the Man and talking to him.
Liza:
You were awesome!
Straight Man:
Hey, don't you see? This was all a joke, a gag!
Man:
You son of a bitch!
The Man punches the Straight Man.
Mr. Thomas: offering drink
You'll feel better after you've had that.
The Man then punches Mr. Thomas.
Black Militant:
Hey, Whitey, you can't do that!
Everyone tries to grab the Man. He quickly breaks free.
Man: loudly
All right, now listen to me! I don't know who you are or what you are. But I'll tell you something. I've had it! I'm sick of your funny little jokes, your games! I've had it with your gorillas, your intellectual hogwash, your priests, your... your chocolate rabbits. knocking one out of Arnie's hand I am sick of people pretending to be one thing and changing into something else.
Man: looking down at a woman on the floor
You're probably a man right? And a mailman undoubtedly.
The ‘woman' on the floor takes off ‘her' wig and hands him some envelopes. The Man throws them on the floor.
Man:
Look, I don't know why the hell you're doing this or what the hell you think it means. I don't really care. I suppose what you're trying to do is drive me completely insane. And for a while you did a very good job. Oh, for a while, I didn't know which end was up. I doubted my sanity, my identity, my very existence! But you know what? I don't any longer! Because no matter what goes on around me, I know me! I know who I am and you can't take that away from me.
Ted: the Man's doppelganger applauds
Here, here!
Man: pointing at Ted
No, that's not me. I've seen your bag of tricks and I'm up to here with them! But what you can't do-- what you cannot do is touch that part of me who knows exactly who I am. And you know who I am? I'll tell you. I am the guy who's going to walk out that door right now. pointing towards the audience
Everyone applauds loudly. The Man looks around and walks toward stage left and the left curtain opens some to reveal a desk and a chair on each side. He is now in a white hallway. He is soon joined by Dr. Bingham entering from stage left for his debriefing. The back lighting for the Cube panels turns off.
Dr. Bingham: shaking hands
Congratulations. Actually, it didn't take you as long as we thought it would.
Man: sniffling from emotion
It's funny. I thought I'd never get to see the outside world again.
Dr. Bingham: leading the Man to the desk and two chairs
Come into my office. I can sign your release and you can be on your way.
Dr. Bingham:
Sit down. they sit down Oh... cigarette?
Dr. Bingham offers the Man a cigarette and then a light. He lights it slowly.
Dr. Bingham: starts going through some papers
Well, now you know what Reality is.
Man:
I guess so. I'm still not sure what all that was about.
Dr. Bingham:
Well, it's all quite fresh to you now. But I believe you'll find as you think about it, it'll make more and more sense.
Man: looking at his hand
It was such a revelation when I realized that this was me. This is real. It's me. When I hit it hitting desk
I hurt. If I cut myself... I bleed.
The Man picks up a knife by the blade and quickly flinches.
Hey... I... actually cut myself. But look... I bleed.
Dr. Bingham:
Taste it.
Man: tasting his blood in disbelief
It's Strawberry Jam.
Dr. Bingham:
Exactly.
The lights fade slowly to black. The back lighting for the Cube panels comes on again. The shadow of Man is seen with his arms outstretched exploring the panels for a way to escape. The backlighting slowly fades.
The End